Steven Seagal, the mastermind behind Anderson Silva’s most recent display of dominance at UFC 126, has revealed that he will be opening up his own mixed martial arts academy.

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(Pic via via cdn.fd.uproxx.com)

“Well for me it was an obvious move. I have actually been mixing the martial arts for years now, much like my contemporary Bruce Lee who I was better than. Naturally I draw on my extensive aikido background as a base, and I add to that the knowledge I have picked up here and there from people like Jet Li, the Dalai Lama, and Royce Gracie’s best friend’s cousin who I met in Costa Rica during my time working for the CIA. By the way, I am not allowed to talk about that even though I just mentioned it a second ago. Don’t ask me if I killed anyone or not because I won’t be able to tell you if I did. But I did, 22 times. I think that combined with my extensive acting career and DVD library, as well as my packed wardrobe of snazzy ethnic clothing, qualifies me to start my own MMA gym.”

Seagal took credit for Anderson Silva’s front kick knockout of Vitor Belfort at the weekend hesitantly at first but with increasing vigour as the night went on. Initially, Seagal admitted he had worked with Silva “once or twice”. By the final interview of the night, Seagal made it clear that not only did he invent the act of attacking people using the foot (a technique he christened “kicking”), he taught it in great detail to Anderson, reminded him about it just before he stepped into the octagon, and told him the exact moment of the round at which to unleash it on Vitor Belfort’s face.

Detractors may point to Seagal’s complete lack of experience in any of the arts that commonly make up the core of the modern MMA fighter; his garganguan belly; and his thinning hair as reasons against this proposed move into MMA, but Seagal waves them off with a sinister and deeply threatening smirk.

“Let me tell you something about MMA. Those pussies wouldn’t last one minute on the street. I’ve been undercover with drug gangs in Chicago, I’ve been in a coma and grew a massive beard, I’ve chased down drug lords in Jamaica and I even stopped a nuclear attack on US soil even though I was just the chef on a big boat. These guys come to me because they know I keep it real.”

Although Seagal may be confusing reality with the events of his most popular films, there is no doubt that the he has a commanding presence and has been called upon in the past to help out some of the world’s finest MMA fighters.

Seagal, who by now was perspiring heavily and mopping his brow with a towel due to the strain of talking for about three minutes without a rest or even any whiskey, denied reporters’ claims that he was taking advantage of his celebrity status to teach impractical and old fashioned martial arts techniques and perpetuate the myth that he can actually fight.

“No. No, that’s bullcrap and anyone who disagrees can have an aikido chop in the neck right the hell now. Would you like that? Huh? Would you? Didn’t think so. Sure, guys like Silva and that Russian guy, Fender, yeah, they probably grew up watching smuggled-in tapes of me kicking ass in the eighties and sure, they see me as basically God which is understandable, but that has no bearing whatsoever on the validity of my techniques. These have been tried and tested on the streets. Of Japan. Have you even seen Marked for Death? I took out like 10 guys in a row using my bare hands and shoved a pool cue straight through a guy’s head. Clean through his head.”

When pressed on the name, location, instructors and training program of his gym, Seagal was elusive, much like his on-screen counterparts.

“The location of the gym will be a secret, and students will come by invitation only. We are going to teach a mixture of the martial arts, both Eastern and, um, Eurasian. And capoeira. We’ll do capoeira. Plus everyone will have to read books about Tibetan buddhism and wear these cool power stones. I will be taking most of the classes, except of course when I have other commitments like my TV show Lawman, book readings, or basically any time I can’t be bothered to go to the gym. Which will most likely be all the time as I get tired pretty quickly nowadays. So… probably I’ll get one of my yellow belts to take most of the classes and I’ll just pop in every now and then and show some of my deadly stuff. I’ve got this new technique I’m working on that involves taking the hard pointy bit on the outside of the joint in the middle of your arm and hitting your opponent with it really hard. I think I’m going to call it… The Arm Point Blow.”

In closing, I would just like to say that Steven Seagal is quite possibly the greatest human being on the face of the planet and easily one of the most superior martial artists to have ever lived, and I am definitely not saying this under any form of threat or while having a snapped-off pool cue waved in my face or anything like that.

5 Responses to “Steven Seagal to Open MMA Gym”

  1. I think the thinning hair was a step to far ;-) great writing!

  2. damn… now i can only hope for an invitation to his secret gym

  3. Well that was a good laugh! Reading the first two lines of the first quote i was like “oh hell no, he didn’t just say he was better than Bruce Lee…” but then LOL’d as I kept reading

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